A Psychologist Looks at Self Worth

The self is the "I" or "me" part of our personality. Each of us has a concept of self and each of us decides how worthy that self is. We also have a self ideal, a standard against which we evaluate our behavior. It is an internalized standard or set of values that were learned from our parents and from our social and cultural environment. To the extent that we perceive our real self coming close to the ideal self, we are well-adjusted and stable. Otherwise, we have a disunity of self-structure and a lack of security and stability of self.

Threat to our ego occurs when we fail to reach goals dictated by our ideal self. Such failures lower our self worth and lead to feelings of inadequacy which manifest themselves in "hurt feelings" and in hypersensitivity. We never get our feelings hurt when we feel confident and competent. If other people hurt us, then there must be a doubt, a feeling that they may be right.

I have found no relationship between a person's feelings of inferiority and his true inferiority (if such a thing exists). Feelings of inferiority are dictated by our own personal, subjective inner standards. True inferiority is a standard which can come only from God. A person with an I.Q. of 140 can feel just as inferior as one with an I.Q. of 80. A person with a very comfortable annual income can feel just as inadequate as one who barely makes enough to pay bills.

The Perfectionist

Those who show the greatest feelings of inferiority are those whom I call "perfectionists." It is not enough to be reasonably bright, nice looking, healthy or young; they have to be the absolute best. They form a rigid dichotomy. Either they are best, or they are just the opposite. They are oblivious to the fact that most of us must fall somewhere in between.

The tools of psychology are not exact and precise. We cannot measure a person's exact mental or physical capacities, but all of us, as we live life, come to have a fairly realistic picture of at least a range of abilities beyond which we cannot go. The perfectionistic individual has a self-ideal which blindly ignores this capacity range and makes himself vulnerable to prolonged feelings of worthlessness.

I've talked to many people as a counselor. I ask them if they have ever met a perfect human being. Their answer is no. I ask them if they ever expect to meet one. Their answer is no. Then I ask them what makes them think they can be one! The questions asked are logical, but with these people, I am not dealing with logical thoughts; I am dealing with emotionalized feelings.

The Hypersensitive Individual

The self-ideal of the hypersensitive individual dictates goals which neither he nor any other human being could reach. Instead of evaluating these goals and making them more realistic, he bitterly criticizes and condemns himself for not succeeding, believing if he would have worked harder, he could have made it.

This individual, even if he shoots an 80 in golf says it should have been a 75, and if he shoots a 75, he would probably say that the course was easy. On a harder course, he thinks he wouldn't have fared that well.

No matter how well he does, no matter how hard he tries, he can't win in his own eyes. Emotionally, he then looks for and expects others to peer right through him and see these "horrible" inadequacies.

When someone looks for criticism, he can be sure he'll find it. In fact, I am coming to the conclusion that in the final analysis of our life what others think of us is not at all important. It is what we think of ourselves that is important. It is ourselves that we must live with our entire life, and we had better learn to accept that self, to be comfortable with it and, yes, to like it.

As a result of failing to reach the goals of his self-ideal, the hypersensitive person manifests many other personality traits. Such an individual shows a tremendous amount of drive and energy. He has to, because he can't relax within himself.

He is often overserious and restrained because he can't relax. He holds people at a distance lest they get too close, become too friendly, and find out what he is really like.

He is often submissive. Who is he to assert himself even when it comes to protecting his own right? He will do much to avoid a scene or argument, and he often pays too heavy a price for this meek personality.

Symptoms of Poor Self Worth

The individual who lacks self worth is most frequently shy. He is afraid of his peers, especially those of the opposite sex. He may be afraid to speak to his boss, in front of a group or to someone with more life experience. He's afraid they won't like him, that he'll say the wrong thing, or that no one would be interested in what he has to say. This individual evaluates himself and projects these evaluations onto others. He always evaluates himself badly.

The person with inferiority feelings frequently has a lot of repressed hostility — hostility because he resents people constantly picking out his weaknesses, and repressed because he is too submissive to find an outlet for his aggression. This repressed hostility manifests itself in moodiness, anxiety, and tension. He may be a meditative person, but much of his capacity for creative thinking is dissipated in fantasy - a fantasy which enables him to run away from himself and not face up to his conflicts.

Finally, the person with feelings of inadequacy is critical of others. Why? He first sets impossible goals, and when he fails to reach them, he criticizes himself. This self-criticism pulls down his ego. Then, he looks for others to be critical and, in looking, finds such criticism. Now his ego is really low. He then finds fault with others and, by this means, unconsciously tries to convince himself that others are worse than he is, and so he must not be so bad after all. The tragedy is that there is no reason for his ego to be so low.

In summary, every individual is a person with a great deal of human dignity. Each of us must learn to realize this fact. Truly, the hypersensitive individual is a far better person then he realizes he is.

I try to point out a very important dilemma to him. Most frequently he has a strong desire to be liked by others (too often to be liked by everyone, which is a total impossibility), but how can he expect others to like him if he does not like himself as a person?

He must learn to accept and to like himself. To do this, he must evaluate the goals of his self-ideal and make his goals more realistic and less perfectionistic. Once he has established realistic goals, he must give his best in an attempt to reach them, and whether he reaches them or not is not important as long as he knows he has tried.

He must quit tearing himself down and instead build himself up in his own eyes. He must remember that he has a great deal of human dignity. He is a worthwhile person. He must believe it, practice believing it, and act according to this dignity.